fawn

fight. flight. freeze. fawn.

sometime last year I learned that I fawn in times of stress, danger, or a perceived threat. it probably comes from being my mother's daughter, employee, and caretaker. while I navigated those roles, sometimes my mom was really tough, and my little self tried to make her happier. I thought I had to fawn.

it was easier to walk on eggshells than fight. there was nowhere to run, orflight, because she was my provider. and we could not freeze in our house. there was work to do every day, whether it was paint a stack of picture frames or weed the garden. I was a fat kid, to add to the trauma, and being a fawn made me less of a target in school. to this day, I have never been in a physical fight. when I had to deal with a bully, I would charm them with my wit. now looking back, some of the kids I called my friends in elementary school were actually bullies.

I have worked in customer service since working for my mom. I have done everything from pumping other people's gas to serving food and drinks, until I became a nurse. I have always been tending to others. it is exhausting. I am now managing my own chronic pain and illness and

in last week's therapy session, I cried out that I no longer want to be a fawn.

they say, "daughters marry men like their fathers, and sons marry women like their mothers." an episode of couples therapy taught me that we are subconsciously seeking the old trauma in new relationships as an almost vicarious attempt to break the patterns or repair the original broken relationship. and we usually just end up repeating the fucked up relationship we had with our parent, but with our new partner. this blew my dome. it made much more sense than the whole "you're gonna end up with your father" thing. instead, I have been walking on eggshells for the last decade with my ex, reliving my relationship with my dead mom.

we each bring our perks that are a part of our package into any relationship, and then more pop up when you move in together. there were a lot of new rules and things that changed when we moved in together, which he attributed to cultural differences. and I am sure he could list things that he changed for me, but of course it felt like mine were bigger and never recognized. like when my cats could no longer be in parts of the house, or on the furniture where we sit, or on the bed. and then, like a year later, he could no longer tolerate the sound of their meows. there were years where I had to ask if I could feed them so he could put on headphones before, and then he was annoyed every time. twice a day. every day.

ANYWAY stepping on eggshells, but I was like, "hell yeah, this is totally cool because he loves me and this is what we do for people we love." I was seeing an old psychiatrist at the time, he should have retired like 30 years earlier, but he was still seeing patients in this old beverly hills office. he would tell me that my ex was "being manipulative and trying to control you." and I was like, "no way, this dude just has like ocd or something," and he said, "if that were the case, this would be his issue to manage, not yours." I stopped seeing that old guy and told my friend who referred me that it was because he did not know what he was talking about.

do I think when two people connect that they are intentionally trying to fuck each other up? no. and I have never had those intentions or thought that he did.

I do believe in destiny, fate, romance, and true love. and I also know that there are so many times where two things can be true at once. we were destined to swipe right because we had real love for each other, and fate insisted that I hash out my trauma with my dead mom.