anniversary

my parents wedding anniversary was yesterday. it would be 47 years if they were alive. I remember the year because my mom had me a year later, and I was always told that I was the planned baby. it was my mom's second marriage and my dad's third. I was the seventh daughter counting all prior kids, but the only child to the both of them.

they raised me saying that I did not need a man and I should not get married. independence and strength mattered to them both, but women's empowerment was a fight my mom said mattered most of all. the fact my dad wanted his daughters to be able to do anything, including basic car maintenance before getting our drivers licenses, only helped her mission. I was backing up a 10 foot trailer hitched to a conversion van with my drivers training permit and my sisters were winning state competitions in their welding and woodworking classes. we were products of their work.

I am bummed they are not here to see me now. they both know that I was in nursing school, a later in life career move, but my mom died unexpectedly during my third semester. my dad's dementia progressed significantly after that, and so my sister brought him to los angeles for my nursing school graduation. he had no idea what was happening, but he still knew who we both were. I moved back home to live with him a few years later, and that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I will never regret spending those days with him, even though short lived, because he opened up to me and shared things that I will forever hold in my heart. I know where my queerness comes from, and it is my dad.

I look back on my parents relationship and know that they would never fault me for their life, but I am the reason that they would have been married this long. they threatened divorce after a mini separation, but I threw a fit and next thing I knew, it was off the table. they say we learn to love from our first example. around the time when I was in 6th grade, they got separate bedrooms. but years later after I had moved away, because of my mom's health, their relationship changed. my mom became the brain while dad was the body of their operation.

I see now that this is almost exact replica of the relationship I had with my ex, right down to the separate bedrooms in our recent setup. and my disability meant he did the physical chores, while I kept our bills paid on time. I have to note that I also recently discovered I have been repeating relationship trauma from my mom with him, only making this more interesting. I hope that I am breaking these patterns by recognizing and talking about them. I also hope that somewhere my parents can see me from their separate beds, covered in all of our pets, and they talk about how proud they are that I am a single, successful boss girl with 2 cats and no man.