46
not alone
I am so grateful to the people who love me, support me, and celebrate me even from afar. I miss my parents so much on my birthday. I celebrate them today as well, I used to send my mom thank you cards for my birthday because she did the work today. our relationship was complicated, but it was filled with love. my dad was the best and he always made me feel special, smart, and strong.
today i’m being gentle with myself.
I woke up at 2am. I went to bed early last night thanks to a kink in my neck that was making me nauseous, and my body decided that was the time to start sweating so much my hair was stuck to my satin pillowcase. welcome to 46.
I am treating this month, this birthday, as a new year. a new me. a rebrand. I am getting that new hip this year! I got my hair done today. I will find a new roommate to help with bills soon. I will publish more content. I will succeed. I am trying to be better and do better.
new year. new me.
random thoughts that don’t flow, but feel as if they belong (hey it’s my bday and i can use bullets if i want):
I want to host a talk show.
if I could get a house on some land with a pool, I would want my friends and family to build tiny homes on the lot as well.
I have not shared it outside of my very close inner circle, but I have lost over 70 pounds. it is a very complex thing to celebrate because of my eating disorder history, but it is being done under the guidance of my primary care doctor and therapist.
I have the strongest femur bones my hip surgeon has ever seen and he would not stop talking about how they were the bones of athletes and he wished he had them.
one birthday my friends got me roller skates and had a whole private secret roller rink party planned. I was blindfolded all the way there. I wore red corduroys and my skates had purple flames on them. I felt so loved and appreciated.
I told a friend I dont want to keep writing about the ex, that my blog should not be an ongoing rant about him or us. but after talking with my friend, I decided because it was almost ten years of my life that I am shedding, it is another space to give myself grace. I don’t have the ability to talk to him, someone I held as a best friend, as well as a partner, so it is extra difficult to process and work through. it also seems that heartbreak resonates with you all, those are my most popular posts.
it feels that a friendship is ending, and while it is one that I have had a somewhat complex history, I am still sad to see her go. I think people are scared to have difficult conversations. especially the ones that I have said should be in therapy. they know I am working through my shit every day, and weekly with an actual therapist.
historically I have fought more fiercely for my loved ones than I have fought for myself. I want to fight for me more.
I will begin all future relationships with my boundaries in place and lessen them once trust is built. don’t jump in right away.
welcome to 46.
