insomnia since when

sleep is probably one of my favorite things to do. my parents would tell stories about how it was impossible to wake me up for school, I have memories of my older sisters literally dragging me out of bed by my blanket when they still lived at home. even on christmas morning my folks would have to wait for me. honestly, I think I figured out that the presents were gonna be there when I got up, so let me sleep.

well, fast forward 40 some years to today. or tonight, specifically. I can’t sleep. I have meetings that start at 6am and I have been listening to sleep meditations and sleep stories. I have done breathing exercises and taken my nighttime meds. the meds even include a new sleeping aid because this has been happening since the new year. not just because the new year is filled with dread (see also: trump reelection and my city is on fire), but because he left.

and so here I am, supposed to be fast asleep, but instead I am picturing things that I have never seen. my brain is a constant loop of him laughing at her jokes, holding her hand, and kissing her goodnight. I toss and turn while reevaluating every decision that I have ever made up until this very moment. I am supposed to use an anchor during these times, but I think I need a new one. this ship is heading out to sea and I don’t like the waves.