a secret third thing

I had what I thought was a bonkers high sex drive through most of my life and then it suddenly vanished. it’s been over five years of therapy and trying to tease apart my pain, depression, and stress as factors into why I had no interest in banging. let’s call those factors the three for ease moving forward. I used to cite my queerness as a factor as well, but recent discoveries have made me rethink it as a factor. and also give myself an unintended grace that I am sorta comforting myself with now.

i’ve been bisexual as long as I know and when we started dating, I told him and said that he was my last try with a man. if he and I didn’t work, I planned to date only women. when we separated six years later (basically because I needed space due to the three), I signed a lease for my new apartment, like one mile away from ours, on the day my dad died.

I think this relationship has had its challenges for many reasons, and moving too fast can be one of them, but we were madly in love. and I would never want to change any of that. It was the first real love I ever experienced. and yet, I knew I wasn’t giving him all of me or all of what he deserved, and that had always been a point of discussion both for us and in my personal therapy sessions. it is not until today that I am reading my older posts here, and I see how much I was struggling just to exist. the three took its toll on both me and him in many ways during our relationship. and I did my best navigate them. I have some answers now, including a clinical diagnosis of depression and a disability status due to a bad hip and immune disorder. I also have a different job, supposedly lessening my stress, and so it would seem the three have the option to take a back seat now. and I can focus on us.

*record scratch*

just kidding. there is no us anymore.

my queerness played a pivotal part in the final end of us. it was years of trying to tease it all apart and therapists telling me that maybe I never would, but to honor the feelings as they arise. and in a moment of clarity (and excitement) I told him (and the world) that I am a lesbian. this makes so much sense to me now because it was clear from the beginning that I was going to be with women after him - and that’s what it felt like this was, “after him.” but in saying the word lesbian to him, apparently what he heard was I will never want you again.

so we turned on dating profiles and I acted like the cool best friend. laughing with him on how awful his dates were or how the women were posting pictures from 10 years ago. I told him my profiles said that I was a disabled queer looking for friends first and that was not going great. and oh! what’s this? suddenly I am horny for him. like talk about a plot twist, I went 5 years feeling nothing to now all I want to do is bang him. I didn’t share that at first, because it was just wild and I didn’t know what it meant. and when it appeared that his dating became serious, I had a meltdown.

I can’t explain it in any other way than everything came crashing down on me all at once. it felt like I threw away the most loving relationship I had ever had by sharing something I think has always been true. what I didn’t know then was it did not change the fact that he is the one who broke the mold. the one who got through. the one.

I try to be the chill girl but honestly i’m not.

life is fucking confusing, people are complicated, and relationships are hard. the saying “two things can be true” can’t be felt more right now. I am a lesbian. I am in love with him. and to tie this together back to the three, let’s include a secret third thing. he’s moved on.