strength

they tell me, “don't forget how strong you are!"

and I remember my strength while I live every day in constant pain, navigating a myriad of diagnoses.

I remember that I have a new strength, thanks to chronic illness. I am more in tune with my body and can sense the tiniest change. I know when one thing is "not quite right," while all the things are wrong.

I remember my strength as I advocate for myself and email my doctor to tell her something feels wrong. can we check my hormones? my nipples hurt like a fetus is hanging curtains in my uterus and my nurse brain tells me this has to be perimenopause or maybe drug induced menopause (thanks, chemo!).

I remember my strength while I anticipate a response like, “please confirm you are seeing your therapist during this. let’s draw labs at your next appointment."

I remember my strength in thinking of every loved one who has already left but I am still here. even after my mom's unexpected death, followed by years filled with my dad's dementia, his passing, and the loss of my two cats who were with me through it all, I am still here, typing my feelings into a little box. 

and I remember that I am strong because I have my therapist on speed dial.