the ick
we used to religiously watch love island, uk, and then sorta stopped during the last season with Joey Essex. it was like having a celebrity on the show ruined the vibes. ANYWAY! I have to give credit to the show for teaching me that there was a word for a feeling i've dealt with many times, the ick.
the ick is something we all know, but I had never heard that feeling called by a name, let alone heard others talk about it so openly. you do know of it, right? you thought you like someone OR there was potential for something to happen - maybe you could like this new person, but then they do something and you see it and are instantly turned off. and usually you are not only turned off in that moment, but it is a visceral feeling that you probably will never come back from. all potential is lost. they gave you the ick.
i've been sorta unraveling my whole self and figuring my shit out with the help of therapy and friends, reading old notes to myself, and even tarot! forreal the tarot writing project has been really helpful with being more introspective and seeing my behaviors through another lens. I have not posted all the writing - should I? (yes, okay. they will be posted here for posterity. lol. some are handwritten in my journal. that’s another new thing - writing by hand is fun again! I forgot what it was like because my hands were fucked for so long, but your girl got carpal tunnel surgery like a year and a half ago and now these wrists are now like brand new, dang it!).
while figuring myself out, I have caused a lot of chaos in a primary relationship in my life. I got so excited to have (sexual) feelings again (for him) because I hadn’t had any feelings for anyone in so long, that I forgot one of the reasons I even left to begin with! I was obsessing over what we intended to be and blinded myself that it was what we were. and I wanted that back. I wanted the fantasy of us. the epic movie version where he left me post it notes in my car every morning and we spent our anniversaries in europe, not the bits where we couldn’t have difficult conversations without becoming complely unhinged.
I have recently confirmed (again) two things:
I am queer.
I will not be in intimate relationships with people who are not in therapy or counseling.
we even argued what intimacy means, because that apparently was one of the several words we have used together while each having a different understanding. and during that last conversation, if it can even be called that, I got the ick. a bestie was over the other day and she called it before I did, “did you get the ick?” and yeah, I was reminded of the line I drew in the sand years ago - therapy for everyone, one and all! or nothing out of me, anymore.
well! I have a new anchor, ladies and gentleladies. I am sleeping like a cat again. I am not pining over a fantasy of what was not anymore. I was lost in the sauce of a dream and the romance that was in the beginning, was definitely not the middle, and certainly not the end.
and this reminds me of another tv show moment!
"if wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola!"