good grief

today I asked my therapist to remind me next time I am in a space where I say I enjoy being an introvert and do not need to socialize that I am wrong and that is the depression talking.

my teens and twenties were spent refusing to be alone and then my thirties had some solitude when when I lived alone for the first time, and loved it. but soon after, it was so easy to fall right back into a live-in relationship and eventually let my friendships suffer.

I mean, it helped a lot that he did not like some of my friends and put quotas on how many white people could be in his space. but then my depression was too thick when I moved out again on my own. I no longer had a local friend circle to find solace in, and instead, decided I did not need anyone.

I admit that my idea of a best friend has changed drastically over the last few years. but I also admit that my past best friends were romantic, if not codependent. and I was so heartbroken when someone I called a bestie wanted a break. grief is a recurring theme in my life, and I am doing better at honoring that. I experience the loss of friendships and relationships like a death. and I am grieving the loss of both a relationship and friendship now.

while I may be kicking myself for allowing him to be my only person for so long, I also know that the stages of grief are not linear. I can hover around anger stage for a while or even come back to it. but I do not have to wallow in it alone.

however, finding new friends in los angeles is a feat, especially as a disabled queer with strong leftist values. I am not looking to be friends with someone who isn't aligned with my hatred of all things capitalism and the freedom of all peoples from sudan to palestine. (oof. can't help but think about how last we spoke about her, he still was not sure of her stance on palestine, and yet he was staying over at hers almost every day. gross.) but my profiles for bumble and tinder friends were honest, and now four months later, I have one whole new friend! if i am doing girl math right, this means I should have a witch coven put together by end of the second quarter 2026.

in the meantime I am filling my time with recurring facetime calls with friends I have had forever, who are far away. it is bringing joy that I need now, and helping me find comfort in this grief. I still am searching for a local group of queers to hang out at the park or throw some rocks the sea, but I am not hiding under the covers, crying all alone.