it was a good run

"you don't break up with the same person you started dating."

a close friend said this to me in response to the mess I am in right now. I never had heard the phrase before and now want it stitched on a pillow for my couch.

he always told me that he was mean. his family even joked that you never want to be on his bad side, or he is only nice to the people he loves. ha! hindsight, am i right? I told myself that they were (and he was) wrong, because he was a lovely human. well, always believe them when they tell you who they are. he told me repeatedly that he was mean with anger issues, all while leaving me fresh flowers and feeding unhoused communities, so fuck me for not believing it. but I believe him now.

my friends are rooting hard for me. they say he does not deserve my time or energy. and that other than reminding him when he owes me money, he gets nothing from me. he continues to be mean at every opportunity, which is whenever I try to extend an olive branch. my friends are trying to protect me from hurting myself, but sometimes I slip.

self awareness is a fun thing. my therapist and I are working on a new discovery - my obsessions, and sometimes compulsions (the slips). historically my obsessions have been over work and career relationships, all rooted in perfectionism and control. and so all of this year I have been obsessing over the break up. like, he tried to change the timeline of events. I know it is to make himself feel better/okay for being all up in someone else, but I have all of our text history, my guy. and my obsessing led to a compulsion of creating a full on timeline with actual dates. and he was very wrong in his version of events. I have yet to slip and share the timeline (lol), but I did offer a lunch and learn to go over a powerpoint because I am a funny and charming, precious human.

look, IN FULL TRANSPARENCY, it is most unsettling that he is not in love with me anymore. then I obsess on that and end up sad all over again. so after yesterday's obsessing, I compulsively added "I miss us" to a text. and he replied, "it was a good run."

haha somebody hold me back because that is wild.

almost 9 years together written off like a fucking TV show.

well, speaking of TV shows, when you eventually get all those awards for your work, remember to thank me. thank me for bringing you to and setting you up in LA. thank me for supporting you financially until you could find work, and then continuing to support you financially while you made nothing. thank me for providing you with a vehicle, groceries, and a roof over your head. thank me for paying your rent on time even after I moved out. thank me for my credit card sending you back home every time you were homesick or wanted to see your family. and don't forget the debt that I am left with, which led to my shitty credit score, all because I added you as a user to try to boost your credit. thank me for agreeing to your wild preferences on house cleaning, house guests, and how I could include my (now dead) cats in our life (and for locking them out of the bedroom for you). thank me for pushing you to get into therapy and even finding your therapist. and finally, thank me for not being as mean.

when I hear that acceptance speech, I will raise my glass to you and agree that it was a good run.